Tales of the Parodyverse

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ManMan - With another quickie
Fri Jun 04, 2004 at 05:45:36 pm EDT
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ManMan - Encounters of the Farmyard Kind.
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ManMan - Encounters of the Farmyard Kind.

There were a dozen cows on the roof of their apartment building. "Shoo!" ManMan told them, to no effect.
"Maybe we should shoot them, then use their body-parts to rule the universe!" offered a hopeful Ignatius Quiller.
Joe looked at him. "No... Silly idea really," IQ muttered. "How about we push them over the side onto unsuspecting passers-by?"
Joe looked at him again. "Right," the tubby villain-in-training got the idea. "I'll... just be downstairs, thinking of ways to annihilate my enemies." IQ left.
"How the hell did they get up here in the first place?" the Elvis-Impersonator wondered aloud.
"Maybe they used the fire escape?" suggested Knifey.
Joe advanced toward the closest cow. "Shoo!"
"MOOOO!"
Joe sighed. "No, SHOOOO!" he told them, frantically waving his arms.
"MOOOO!"
"Crap," he pulled out Knifey. "Fire escape? It wouldn't take your weight, let alone anyone else's. Is there anyone we know that can do this sort of thing?" he asked.
"Plenty. Though why they would want to is beyond me," replied the knife.
Joe reached into his belt and produced a mobile phone. "I'll call GoldenEyed, he'll sort this out." The jump-suited hero dialled the number for the Lair Legion HQ.
"Helloeth?" answered a voice.
"Uh...Hello? Donar?" Joe guessed.
"'Tis I," confirmed the voice.
"Hey! It's me! ManMan."
There was a pause on the line. "Whoeth?"
"Me!" repeated Joe, slightly less confident. "ManMan. The guy with the talking knife!"
The sounds of painful thinking could be barely heard. "Thou art the one clad in leather?"
Joe looked at maintenance uniform he was wearing. "Usually," he said.
"What does thou wish from the demihemigod of thundereth?"
"Is GoldenEyed there?"
"Doest thou not wish to speaketh with me?" the voice sounded vaguely hurt.
"Sure, but if possible could I speaketh - I mean, speak with GoldenEyed or Nats?"
"Thou wouldst rather speaketh to those whelps than I, the lordling of lightning?!?"
Manny frowned. "Donar, are you OK? You sound more...Testosteroney."
Knifey chuckled. "Testosteroney. Sounds like it comes in a can."
Joe put his hand to the mouthpiece. "What's up with this guy? He get pounded by Quake too many times?"
"That's not Donar," Knifey told him.
"Huh?"
"Well, it is. It's Donar Junior..."
"Ooh..." ManMan removed his hand. "Listen kid, put on one of the proper heroes, or I'll come over there and make you cry."
"...He has the same powers and everything, though," the sentient blade finished.
Joe hung up quickly. "Right!" he said with nervous smile. "No help. Just have to use the old brain power."
"Then they're all doomed," Knifey hypothesized.
"YOU ARE RIGHT," boomed a voice from above.
Joe cowered. "Donar Junior, right?"
"WHO?"
"You're not the son of a God?"
"...NO," replied the voice.
ManMan began breathing again. "So who are you?"
The man landed on the roof of the building. "THESE ARE MY COWS. I AM... THE BOVINE BANDIT!"
Joe frowned. "You steal cows?"
"NO... I USE COWS TO STEAL FOR ME!" the bandit laughed haughtily.
The Elvis-Impersonator clutched his ears. "Geez, keep it down, will you?"
"SOR- I mean, sorry. It's my first day and I'm trying to be impressive. If I'd known a God was coming here, I would've picked another building to land on."
"He's not," Joe assured the villain hopefully. "How'd you get these things up here in the first place?"
The cow-criminal smiled. "Ah! Watch!" He twisted a dial on his belt and the herd of cows floated lazily into the air.
"And they steal for you?" Knifey asked.
The Bovine Bandit frowned at the talking knife, then shrugged. "Yeah! See the Ayrshire?" he pointed to a white cow with brown patches. "She does safes. The Highland?" he pointed to a shaggy brown cow. "She's crowd control. Great in banks," the Bandit told them.
Joe giggled. “Who does the getaway driving?”
The bandit frowned. “Driving? Are you nuts?” he asked the hero dubiously. “They’d never all fit in a car.”
“So you control them?” Joe asked.
“Yes. Me. I control them. THE BOVINE BANDIT!” the criminal shrugged. “I’ve got to be evil sometime...NOW SHOW ME WHERE THE SAFE IS!”
“This is an apartment building,” ManMan told him.
The bandit faltered. “IT IS?”
Joe nodded.
“DAMN COWS! DAISY, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO PICK A LOCK BUT YOUR SENSE OF DIRECTION IS AWFUL!”
“About 4 blocks down is the 72nd First Parodiopolis bank,” suggested Joe.
“THANKS!” the criminal twisted the dial on his belt. As he floated upwards with his hench-herd, he pointed west. “THAT WAY?”
Manny waved him on. “It’s opposite the PhantomHwk Memorial Hospital! You can’t miss it!” When they were out of earshot, Joe dialled the Lair Legion HQ again.
“...Helloeth?” the answering voice quivered with rage.
“It’s me again, dumbasson,” laughed Joe.
“MANMANETH!” bellowed the demihemigod.
“Actually...It’s not. I was making that up. Trying to get Heroes to fight each other and everything.”
“That maketh sense,” noted Donar.
“My name is actually....THE BOVINE BANDIT AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL. I’LL BE ROBBING THE 72nd PARODIOPOLIS BANK IN 5 MINUTES. STOP ME IF YOU DARE,” the Bovine Bandit-impersonator challenged. “It’s opposite the PhantomHwk Memorial Hospital, you can’t miss it,” he added helpfully before hanging up.
Knifey glowed with admiration. “Why you devious little bugger!”
ManMan smiled. “They deserve it. Look at the cow dung they’ve left!”
The blade sympathised and was glad he didn’t have a nose.



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